I took 6.5 months of parental leave. I’ve previously shared how valuable it was to have Tee at home for the first two months (leave + WFH). His return to the office was the first test for our equal parenting approach. We didn’t have a game plan but used trial and error to find something that worked for us.
I necessarily became lead parent*. Although we still made decisions together (when should we start solids?) I drove the process, keeping track of stuff, appointments, habits, developmental questions, etc. However we made sure we were still fully interchangeable, which boiled down to “anything you can do, I can do to a passing grade.” When we recently switched roles (I’m back at work and Tee’s home with Buddy – more on The Switcheroo later!) it was really easy.
*As lead parent, I held the mental load of the baby and the house/ life admin. These don’t have to be bundled – indeed that seems to set up bad habits – but we decided to do it as it meant a fairer split of the pie.
As far as I can tell, these are the ingredients that made it work:
A weekday rhythm focused on sharing the caring
07.00-08.30 shared – Feeding, playing and taking it in turns to shower. (There is a cliche about mums not having time to shower. What. No. Showering is a mental health priority.)
08.30-16.00 divide and conquer – Tee went to the office, giving him 7 hours of uninterrupted work time (with a short commute). As Buddy got easier and my child care ‘endurance’ grew, Tee pushed this back to 16.30, but never later than 17.15.
16.00-19.00 shared – Often Tee took Buddy for a walk in the pram to encourage him to nap. He used this time for thinking about tricky problems at work; meanwhile I decompressed.
19.00-07.00 child-free – Down time together. As needed: Tee caught up on emails and I caught up on housework.
WFH day every week or two
Work from home days allowed me to get out and about while Buddy slept. Lunch picnics together were a bonus.
Flexible work (and flexible worker)
All of the above worked because Tee is (1) a work-life integrator, (2) a knowledge worker, (3) has complete flexibility over his schedule and location. These were all amplified and normalised by COVID.
Debriefing
We found ourselves naturally debriefing every evening about the events of the day and indiosyncracies of our progeny (“he’d only eat the broccoli if I bit off the stems”). Sometimes I’d send Tee a subject line email, particularly about house management things – sounds ridiculous, but it was affirming to know the mental load was shared.
50:50 on weekends and holidays
Duh. Doesn’t matter who’s lead parent, we’re both parents.
A ‘domain’ for the breadwinner
Tee stayed in charge of baths and nappies. In addition to doing the work – bath time and all nappies when home – he carried the mental load for these things. That meant there were a surprising number of questions that I didn’t have to think about. (Do we have enough nappies, wipes, cream? Do we need to go up a size? Should we try cloth nappies again? What do the ‘tea leaves’ say about his diet? Bath how often? When? Big bath or sink? What about when he grows out of the sink? Do we have enough bath oil?)
Open plan living
Our home is open plan, and we spend all awake time in the kitchen and living room. This meant that all labour is visible – housework and child care. We spend a lot of time doing our own thing – Tee gaming, me reading – with Buddy playing on the floor. We’re mutually responsible for attending to him. This would be different if one person’s leisure time was in another part of the house – we all know the trope of the traditional father hiding in his den/office/shed.
A baby schedule
We put Buddy on a ‘routine’ at around 6 weeks. I recall people thinking this was a bit weird (“you can’t put a baby on a routine!”) but there seems to be a consensus that babies benefit from a rhythm at some point (including by the big Australian sleep schools: see Tresillian and Karitane).
We went one step further and had a fixed schedule. Most people would find this rigid; I thrive in structure, so it suited me very well. We originally ‘got on routine’ for sleep reasons, but a secondary benefit was: we always knew what Buddy should be doing based on the clock (“it’s 9am which means he needs to sleep in 20 minutes”). Either of us could go out and do things with very little handover required. I suspect this means we are less intuitive parents. We are not as attuned to Buddy’s needs (“oh he’s scratching his left ear, that means he’s tired”). But we also don’t need to be, because the routine fits his developmental stage; he’s hungry when it’s time to eat, and sleepy when it’s time for bed – whether by design or learned habit. A baby rhythm, routine or schedule can be a great equaliser.
We used the routines in Tizzie Hall’s Save Our Sleep, which change based on age.
Early sleep training
It’s a hell of a lot easier to parent and be nice to your coparent when well slept. Evidence god Emily Oster says there is evidence that sleep training (1) is effective and (2) has no short or long term harm for babies and (3) improves parental outcomes (mental health, stress and martial satisfaction). There are different methods for sleep training; we used the first one we found. I’ll let you look.
The method we used is Save Our Sleep by Tizzie Hall (hence we found the routine). Tizzie is a crazy sleep nazi who leads a sleep-obsessed cult and will try to sell you special blankets. She’s also the #1 reason our baby has slept through the night since 3 months. Her approach is not for everyone. It worked for us.
Bottle
I’ve already banged on about this one.
As always: your mileage may vary.