The burden of pregnancy seems to fall heavily on the womb-holder – managing physical changes, attending a plethora of medical appointments, setting up the house and administrivia. This seems unfair, and I suspect it creates bad habits, establishing one person as baby expert. Yeah nah.
So when got pregnant with Bud, we gave ourselves distinct roles.
I was the Head of Incubation. It was my job to bear the physical load – prioritising physical and mental health, setting up and attending appointments, doing pregnancy-specific exercise and resting.
Tee was Head of Research. He bore the mental load – reading baby books, procuring baby things, learning baby skills and leading decision-making.
What did this look like?
I managed my energy levels, dragged myself to prenatal pilates and kept myself fed. I slept an extra two hours a night. I kept myself and the bump alive. That’s it. And that was enough. I didn’t read a single book, set foot in a baby store or learn to change a nappy. And I definitely didn’t go on baby forums.
I emailed Tee research requests (Can I go in the onsen when we go to Japan? What do we think about circumcision?) and outsourced decision-making about acceptable risks. He combed through books and distilled only what I needed to know at that point in time (You can eat/ drink everything, except turkey deli meat. Bless you Emily Oster.) He came back to me for the big calls we should make together (So this is what we should think about in a birth plan). He practiced swaddling a teddy bear and went onesie shopping. He packed the hospital bag.
What worked? What didn’t? What would we do differently?
We genuinely shared the pregnancy burden. We were both working full time and we spent a similar amount of time getting ready for this baby thing. It felt fair and it felt like we were a team.
It took a while for me to accept that prioritising sleep was doing my job as Head of Incubation, and that meant napping on the couch even when it was theoretically my turn to do the dishes.
Sometimes it was inefficient. I was the pregnant one, but Tee was the researcher – he felt like he was always one step behind, not knowing what to look into until I asked. He went to all the medical appointments, even the low key ones (in hindsight: low value), but I was still the recipient of much of the information, particularly from friends and colleagues.
I had to accept that letting Tee make the decisions meant letting him do it on his own schedule. An overpreparer, I spend hours going down rabbit holes, way too deep and way too early. Tee leans the other way. This was HARD. I was really antsy about some issues, like getting a spot in childcare. We needed to be on the same page about importance and urgency. If we get knocked up again, we’ll start by together writing a checklist all tasks and decisions, with agreed dates.
When Buddy was born we were both all over it.
I recommend this to you.
Research requests… lucky Tee!
